Dear Universe,
You never cease to amaze me. I don't mean in a Oh!-the-endless-intricacies-of-nature! way (though sometimes that too) but rather in a What-the-fuck-do-you-think-you're-doing-now?! kind of way. Today you really came through for me. In spades, actually. And I have no idea how you finagled it.
This past month has been rough. I turned 23 and then the shit settled in: no day job, no new house, trying to pave my way at a new theater company, bleeding money, having my wife move away, missing my wife, living in a perpetual state of temporary while the two-bedroom Manor plays home to three. I had been frantically searching the internet for a place to live in May, by June I was looking for anything that might house us, as well as a new job. First searching for nanny positions eventually turned into looking for whatever might hire me.
And here we are, the last week of June. July is on the horizon and I woke up this morning in the exact same position as all the twenty-six days before. I am in bed now, seventeen hours later, with both a job and a house. How?
You, Universe. You and your mysterious What-the-fuck-do-you-think-you're-doing?! ways. I really have nothing to say beyond that because I cannot even begin to fathom it. It all happens so fast and with such surety, it was as if you (the Universe) just happened to look down today and said to yourself, "Humm, I know I've forgotten to take care of something. Whaaaat is it? *taps pencil on bridge of nose* Hummmm??? Maybe it - no, no, got that... Wha- OH MY GOD, OLIVIA'S LIFE. SHIT, MAN. Ummmmmm - here! I'll just shoot this arrow full of good luck and ridiculous timing right through that Portland cloud cover, my usual modus operandi of mysterious and intricate plans unfolding slowly be damned!" BOOM.
You know, Universe, I wrote that "BOOM" at the end of that sentence right up there and I immediately thought of a friend from college who once (under the severe influence of drugs) drew a picture of a brigade of multi-colored grim reapers pointing at a young man sitting on a rock and they all were saying, in unison, "BOOM. YOUR TIME HAS COME." And you know what else, Universe? I think it's true: my time has come. Here it is. It's here now. My time to make something out of these extraordinary gifts you just gave me.
I plan to learn and grow and save and stretch and fix and goddamn dec-or-ate for the next little chunk of my life, thanks to this little townhouse and this little job you just dropped off. I hope that's what you wanted me to do, but honestly I have no idea. And I never will. I'll just do this and keep chugging and see what happens next.
But for now: thank you. Seriously, thank you. Thank you. You kind of left it until the eleventh hour, yes, but still: thank you.
With all my heart, not a little wonder and a lot of perplexity,
Okay Em
Thursday, June 28
Tuesday, June 26
Fingers Crossed
please please please please please please please please please please please let me get a house this week.
Are you there, God? It's me, A Young Lady in Big Need of Your Intervention.
Are you there, God? It's me, A Young Lady in Big Need of Your Intervention.
Sunday, June 24
Saturday, June 23
Jericho
Jericho
You can’t see me yet
Seeing takes a long, long time
From the outside in
Measuring each shift and sigh
But as you let your eyes adjust
To the darkness deep within
Sifting through the ash and dust
We are the places that we’ve been
You can’t hear me yet
Listening takes a long, long time
And I’ve so much to tell
But words die on these lips of mine
But in the stillness you may sense
Every thing I long to say
Unraveling like golden threads
The walls will all come down this way
You don’t know me yet
Knowing takes a long, long time
And time is all we have
Never traveling in straight lines
So memorize each turn and twist
Just be careful as you go
For if love is a labyrinth
Then my heart is Jericho
You can’t see me yet
Seeing takes a long, long time
From the outside in
Measuring each shift and sigh
But as you let your eyes adjust
To the darkness deep within
Sifting through the ash and dust
We are the places that we’ve been
You can’t hear me yet
Listening takes a long, long time
And I’ve so much to tell
But words die on these lips of mine
But in the stillness you may sense
Every thing I long to say
Unraveling like golden threads
The walls will all come down this way
You don’t know me yet
Knowing takes a long, long time
And time is all we have
Never traveling in straight lines
So memorize each turn and twist
Just be careful as you go
For if love is a labyrinth
Then my heart is Jericho
- Mary Chapin Carpenter
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| The ancient Hebrew city of Jericho |
Thursday, June 21
To the Sprinters
There is a singular quality in every person, a thing inside all of us that yearns to be free, to stab the boss in the eye with a pencil, to screw off some pressing obligation and get drunk on the porch, to just take a deep breath and stop worrying for a single afternoon, to say "I live in this skin. I will be me from now on, and I respect your right not to give a shit what I'm doing in here."
Everyone knows those people are out there, the ones who slipped through the cracks, dodged the man, foiled their family's bleak dreams, and sprinted over the star-speckled horizon into the land of dreams of their own design.
- Jeff Johnson, Tattoo Machine
Everyone knows those people are out there, the ones who slipped through the cracks, dodged the man, foiled their family's bleak dreams, and sprinted over the star-speckled horizon into the land of dreams of their own design.
- Jeff Johnson, Tattoo Machine
Sunday, June 17
Ashes and Roses
Mary Chapin Carpenter's new album!
My mom bought me the album for my birthday (lovelovelove) and I've been listening to it while I drive around town. I always seem to go through a funny process whenever I get a new MCC album: I listen to it once and immediately decide I hate it. All of the stuff that feels familiar is inferior to earlier work and all the new things are too foreign and I don't like her new direction.
Then I listen again.
And again. And after a few days I start to think, "Okay, that one song is okay. I guess."
And I keep listening.
And next thing you know, I'm singing along and really listening to the lyrics. I decide I maybe like it. I still have reservations.
Then I forget about the album for three months or so and when I hear it again it brings tears to my eyes.
So: before I go and forget about Ashes and Roses, I wanted to blog about it.
If anyone who doesn't know me has been reading this blog, they'll have already heard me mention Mary Chapin Carpenter. If anyone who does know me is reading, they'll know that she is like a second mother to me. I listen to her music when I'm exceedingly sad, when I'm ecstatically happy, when I hate the person I am, when I love where my life is going. When I was a child, I used to listen to her tape and pretend she was sitting at the end of my bed, playing me to sleep. Her music is like a hug, which sounds ridiculously cliche. True, somehow, nonetheless.
Ashes and Roses comes from a painful place for MCC, I think. It sounds the most like Between Here and Gone, which is not a bad thing. Both albums remind me more of poems than music.
Between Here and Gone came out as I was preapring to leave Bennington in my sophomore year. This was a terrible time for me and that album did not save me. I relied heavily on Fall Out Boy's Folie A Deux to distract myself, and I give the Saved Me Medal to that album. What Between Here and Gone did was quietly lay a blanket down and wait for me to fall onto it. When FOB stopped distracting me and I broke, which happened often that year, MCC was there to stoke my head. She never told me that it was going to be okay, but she did tell me that I would keep going.
The thing that I love about Chapin is that I know I will always listen to her music. FOB may have won that year, but I think I've listened to them once in 2012. Yesterday I belted one of Mary Chapin Carpenter's songs in the car. The day before that I sang with her while I cooked. Right now I'm humming along and typing. Two summers ago I slow danced, alone, in a rehearsal hall. When I lived in Buenos Aires she was with me while I rode the bus home from Olivos and it rained and rained. When I was eight years old, I walked onstage at the talent show and promptly forgot all my weeks of careful choreography. I just let her and sing and I made the whole fucking thing up.
My point is thus: go out and buy Ashes and Roses. Or, better yet, go buy Between Here and Gone. Especially if you're lost. Or Party Doll and other Favorites, if you want to dance. Or Time, Sex, Love, if you are so. ready. to. move. on. Or A Place in the World, which is still my favorite album, if you want to hear what it first sounded like when I began a lifetime affair with my favorite artist.
My mom bought me the album for my birthday (lovelovelove) and I've been listening to it while I drive around town. I always seem to go through a funny process whenever I get a new MCC album: I listen to it once and immediately decide I hate it. All of the stuff that feels familiar is inferior to earlier work and all the new things are too foreign and I don't like her new direction.
Then I listen again.
And again. And after a few days I start to think, "Okay, that one song is okay. I guess."
And I keep listening.
And next thing you know, I'm singing along and really listening to the lyrics. I decide I maybe like it. I still have reservations.
Then I forget about the album for three months or so and when I hear it again it brings tears to my eyes.
So: before I go and forget about Ashes and Roses, I wanted to blog about it.
If anyone who doesn't know me has been reading this blog, they'll have already heard me mention Mary Chapin Carpenter. If anyone who does know me is reading, they'll know that she is like a second mother to me. I listen to her music when I'm exceedingly sad, when I'm ecstatically happy, when I hate the person I am, when I love where my life is going. When I was a child, I used to listen to her tape and pretend she was sitting at the end of my bed, playing me to sleep. Her music is like a hug, which sounds ridiculously cliche. True, somehow, nonetheless.
Ashes and Roses comes from a painful place for MCC, I think. It sounds the most like Between Here and Gone, which is not a bad thing. Both albums remind me more of poems than music.
Between Here and Gone came out as I was preapring to leave Bennington in my sophomore year. This was a terrible time for me and that album did not save me. I relied heavily on Fall Out Boy's Folie A Deux to distract myself, and I give the Saved Me Medal to that album. What Between Here and Gone did was quietly lay a blanket down and wait for me to fall onto it. When FOB stopped distracting me and I broke, which happened often that year, MCC was there to stoke my head. She never told me that it was going to be okay, but she did tell me that I would keep going.
The thing that I love about Chapin is that I know I will always listen to her music. FOB may have won that year, but I think I've listened to them once in 2012. Yesterday I belted one of Mary Chapin Carpenter's songs in the car. The day before that I sang with her while I cooked. Right now I'm humming along and typing. Two summers ago I slow danced, alone, in a rehearsal hall. When I lived in Buenos Aires she was with me while I rode the bus home from Olivos and it rained and rained. When I was eight years old, I walked onstage at the talent show and promptly forgot all my weeks of careful choreography. I just let her and sing and I made the whole fucking thing up.
My point is thus: go out and buy Ashes and Roses. Or, better yet, go buy Between Here and Gone. Especially if you're lost. Or Party Doll and other Favorites, if you want to dance. Or Time, Sex, Love, if you are so. ready. to. move. on. Or A Place in the World, which is still my favorite album, if you want to hear what it first sounded like when I began a lifetime affair with my favorite artist.
Tuesday, June 12
Drammies!
Tonight was the 33rd Annual Drammy awards, held downtown at The Crystal Ballroom. The Drammy awards are to celebrate "outstanding achievements" in the Portland theater community over the last season. I've been really excited to go because Mona and I went and saw so many shows this past year. Nobody really seemed to take them seriously, but I was excited nonetheless.
The night did not disappoint. It was so much fun to get to see everyone all dressed up and to hear friends/colleagues/fellow company members cheer for one another. Everyone was in such a good mood! Everybody who was there was excited to see each other recognized, not scheming over who would win. I got kisses and hugs and more birthday wishes from everyone.
The highlight of my night, of course, were the three awards The Storm in the Barn took home. Black Prairie won for Best Original Score, which was really exciting. Cameron won for Best Projection, which was thrilling! But the best was when Don won for Best Light Design. I so loved the light design in that show and when the announcer started to describe "the dusty sepia tones" of the winner, I just grabbed Maria's hand and started to squeeze.
Don was sitting a row ahead of me and I saw him jump up and throw his fist in the air when his name was announced. I immediately stood and started to clap and cheer. When Don got up to accept his award he talked about how it was a shame more people didn't came to see Storm, just because it was a children's show (I couldn't agree more) and ended with a couple of thank-you-s: one for Marci and one for me. I'm sure he thanked more people after that but when I heard my name come out his mouth, I kinda stopped breathing for a second. I know it sounds silly but to not only be remembered, but remembered fondly for the work I'd done? It floored me. I admire and look up to Don. I think he's a fantastic collaborator and an incredible light designer and that thank you, in front of everyone, meant so so much.
After the show was over I refused to leave before I was able to find Don and Cameron and congratulate them. After I gave Don a huge hug and had squealed "Mozaltav!" in his ear he said, "I'm glad I won for this. I don't normally care but I did for this one."
He deserved it. I saw it 11x a week for three weeks and I thought it was beautiful every damn day.
The night did not disappoint. It was so much fun to get to see everyone all dressed up and to hear friends/colleagues/fellow company members cheer for one another. Everyone was in such a good mood! Everybody who was there was excited to see each other recognized, not scheming over who would win. I got kisses and hugs and more birthday wishes from everyone.
The highlight of my night, of course, were the three awards The Storm in the Barn took home. Black Prairie won for Best Original Score, which was really exciting. Cameron won for Best Projection, which was thrilling! But the best was when Don won for Best Light Design. I so loved the light design in that show and when the announcer started to describe "the dusty sepia tones" of the winner, I just grabbed Maria's hand and started to squeeze.
Don was sitting a row ahead of me and I saw him jump up and throw his fist in the air when his name was announced. I immediately stood and started to clap and cheer. When Don got up to accept his award he talked about how it was a shame more people didn't came to see Storm, just because it was a children's show (I couldn't agree more) and ended with a couple of thank-you-s: one for Marci and one for me. I'm sure he thanked more people after that but when I heard my name come out his mouth, I kinda stopped breathing for a second. I know it sounds silly but to not only be remembered, but remembered fondly for the work I'd done? It floored me. I admire and look up to Don. I think he's a fantastic collaborator and an incredible light designer and that thank you, in front of everyone, meant so so much.
After the show was over I refused to leave before I was able to find Don and Cameron and congratulate them. After I gave Don a huge hug and had squealed "Mozaltav!" in his ear he said, "I'm glad I won for this. I don't normally care but I did for this one."
He deserved it. I saw it 11x a week for three weeks and I thought it was beautiful every damn day.
Sunday, June 3
Onward
My family came to Portland for a whirlwind visit Friday night and left this morning at 7am. It was fabulous to see them and hug them and pinch my sister.
Tomorrow "the girls" (as Mona and I have dubbed them) arrive: Chelsea will drive up around mid-day and I'm picking Maria up from the airport in the evening. Tomorrow is a whole bunch of beginnings all at once, which is pretty frightening and exciting at the same time.
It's 7:30a now and I should probably try to go back to sleep. I'm a little alight with everything that will be happening soon.
Tomorrow "the girls" (as Mona and I have dubbed them) arrive: Chelsea will drive up around mid-day and I'm picking Maria up from the airport in the evening. Tomorrow is a whole bunch of beginnings all at once, which is pretty frightening and exciting at the same time.
It's 7:30a now and I should probably try to go back to sleep. I'm a little alight with everything that will be happening soon.
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| The Murphsteins 2012 |
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