I called her to tell her about this song that I heard on my Pandora, called Little Miss by Sugarland. I told her that I loved it but it brought down my whole morning; I told her that the song made me cry, and I got back into bed. I told her I didn't go swimming and I just felt. My mom then warned me against sitting too long with my ghosts. Specifcally, one ghost.
This ghost is 20ish years old; she's a hopeless romantic, but she's sure no one will ever love her. She watches her friends love and be loved and she yearns and she sees no way out. So she makes a lot of strong friendships (with both men and women) to try and forget that she feels this way, she has crushes like other people have grocery lists, she usually falls men who are far too old for her and convinces herself that they just think she's too young. She only makes herself heard to make a joke. She gives and gives and she waits for the world to give back.
I don't know really know how to go about describing what it is like to mourn for your previous self. It's not right to say that I wish I could go back to her (because I don't) and it's also not right to say that I think she was healthy (because she wasn't). But when I look at my life now and think about how she would never have believed it possible, that makes me so sad for her. It fills me with grief for her misery and even though it's not my misery anymore, I feel a little miserable.
My mom suggested that what I'm doing is trying to leave the door open for that girl, to let her in on the life she knew she couldn't have, to show her she can. And as generous as that thought may be, it's not fair. Because she can't have this life. She is frozen back there and she's back there for a reason. I left her there for a reason. All I'm doing by leaving the door open is letting all my warm air out into the night, and chilling the rest of this figurative house. So I gotta close that door.
That girl's stanza:
Little miss, do your best
Little miss, never rest
Little miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out
Little miss, you'll go far
Little miss, hide your scars
Little miss, who you are is so much more than you like to talk about
This girl's stanza:
Little miss, brand new start
Little miss, do your part
Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love
And this is why this song makes me weep.
