50

Here it is.

When I woke up this morning, I was fifty-one pounds lighter. Not from yesterday or the day before, but from July 31st, 2012.
I had a summer full wonderful people, and memories, and experiences - and I do not want to make anyone who shared the 2012 summer with me think that was not true. But last summer was pretty miserable for me as well. I did my best to hide it, which is my general modus operendi when it comes to anything unpleasant. I cried frequently and without much provocation, which my roommates saw and probably didn't fully understand. I reacted badly to perceived comments, became more sensitive and touchy. I started to carry this herbal panic-lessening tincture called "rescue remedy" in my purse, just in case the tears threatened to overwhelm while I was in public or at work. I spent a lot of time crying in the aisles of grocery stores, because strangers were safe to cry in front of. At the end of July, I decided that I'd rather do something difficult and scary than wallow in my twin pools of self-loathing and self-pity.
I started small, with journaling and dieting. Then I started to see a therapist, to work on some of the capital b Bigger issues. In October I became involved with a man who, for all of his flaws, really made me feel that he believed I was beautiful. Now I'm here: seven months later, fifty-one pounds lighter, and a bit of a different person already. I'm working on keeping my head held high, on taking compliments well, on believing that when people tell me nice things about me, they mean them. A good friend of mine quoted The Perks of Being a Wall Flower to me when she said, "We accept the love we think we deserve." I'm working on thinking I deserve more.
That is part of what this blog post is about. Up until now, my "process" (I don't like that term but I hate "diet" and cannot think of anything better right now...) has been, essentially, secret. Secret is too active a word. What I mean is, I didn't tell anyone. I didn't keep it from anyone either, but I purposely never brought it up. But I promised myself that I'd try to be better about accepting who I am and what being who I am entails. (Is anyone actually following at this point? I'm afraid I'm being very unclear.) The nexus of it all is this: "Hello, World! Here is something I am really uncomfortable with! Something I feel a lot of shame about! Something that it scares me to hear mentioned! Here it is, on the internet and on my blog, with pictures attached! And those pictures are of me! There is nothing scarier to me than hitting that publish button at the top of this page but hit that button I will because I am trying to be proud of myself and not ashamed!"
Okay, now I'm a little light headed.

Pictures taken in July, May, and June 2012

Photos taken in March, February and January 2013

I am posting these pictures so that you, whomever you may be, who is reading this, can see what I've been up to. But mostly I'm posting these pictures for me. Because nine days out of ten, I look in the mirror and see nothing different. I know it's happened, I know it's happening, I know things are changing, but I can't see them. So please, read, look, draw from it what you will, but also know: this is really, honestly, 100% only about me.