In my dream two of my close friends were amalgamated into one woman. I have my theories about why this happened, but suffice to say that this person was like a holographic image: look at her one way and she is person A, look again and she is person B.
The dream begins when my director, my friend, and I all decide we want to exercise together, which is something I never do in real life (exercise with other people). My director and my friend wanted to go for a walk and I wanted to go swimming so we compromised*: we find a pool that is only three feet deep along its whole length so they can walk down a lane together and I can swim in the lane next to them. We start out and I try to keep pace with them, which is silly because even when I'm right next to them I still can't join their conversation. They are obviously having a great time though, laughing and smiling. I can see this but I cannot participate. I eventually give up trying and just focus on swimming.
After I swim for a while I notice that my back is cold. Then my shoulders, then the back of arms. All of a sudden I raise my head up and realize the pool is being drained of water. There is less than 6 inches left and I am laying on the floor, alone. Everyone else, including my friends, have left and I am covered in scratches and blood from trying to swim against the pool floor. The room is dim and I make my way to the stairs, cold and wet. That's when I see these rows and rows of small children in white robes, carrying candle lit lanterns. They're marching alongside the now empty pool, lead by an adult. The adult is gesturing madly to me to get away, out of the way, out of the room. It is obvious that I have stumbled upon a sacred or secret ceremony and am utterly unwelcome. I dash into the changing room and struggle with the lock on my locker. I can hear the procession following me and I try to gather all my things, shivering and scared and confused. I drop things, of course, and barely make it out before the children reach me. When I get to my car it is dark outside and colder still. I wrap myself in my towel and then check my phone.
Somehow, my phone is able to see where my two friends are. I can see them as if I am outside the window of The Apple Barn, a store that is outside Bennington in real life. In my dream it is a restaurant and my friend and director sit at a booth, waiting for their food. The lighting is warm and cozy and they are having a great time. I see my friend's phone buzz and know its a text from me. She starts to respond and I am suddenly in the store part of The Apple Barn, still dripping wet. I have asked where she is, why she left me in the pool all alone. She responds with "why?": essentially, "why ask me that? Why does it matter?"
That is all I can remember. A couple things have occured to me while I wrote this dream out. Here are two of them:
First, I remembered a scene from America's Sweethearts. In the movie Julia Roberts has recently lost 60lbs and at one point she gets in a fight with her superstar sister, Catherine Zeta Jones. It is the first time her character has ever stood up for herself to her sister. After Julia Roberts has left the room, Catherine Zeta Jones turns to John Cusack and says, "She was so much more fun when she was fat."
I remembered this scene because I think that is something I am afraid of. My therapist brought this phenomenon up with me this week as well, asking me if maybe some of the conflict in my life stems from that: stems from the fact that image of myself is changing and consequently the role I play for the world is changing. I told a story in a previous blog post where I compared myself to Mrs. Potts from The Beauty and the Beast and felt bad in that comparison because I cast myself in the undesirable, warm, motherly role. My therapist asked me if maybe my friends weren't ready to lose their Mrs. Potts. I think that this dream had a lot to do with that fear, my fear that because I am not the person my friends first liked, they won't continue to like me. That's how the scene from American Sweethearts came up for me. Honestly, I think I would die if anyone ever said that about me: "She was so much more fun when she was fat."
The second thing that occurred to me was when I was writing about The Apple Barn. I remembered the tarot card that is about being excluded and shut out in the cold. I think it's the five of pentacles? It depicts two beggars in the snow outside a church's stained glass window, which glows from the heat inside. I don't have a lot of insight about this thought yet, but that my dream had a lot of the feeling that is in that card.
5/25/12: I looked it up. It is the five of pentacles.
So. This has become a very long blog post. I've been mulling over this dream all day and I guess I had a lot of thoughts about it. I am nervous to post this because I have a lot of friends who read this blog and I feel like I am essentially saying, "I'm afraid you don't like me anymore. Tell me you like me?" and that is not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to parse out what is in my head and what is in my heart. I guess I want to put a disclaimer on this post, in case reading it has made you uncomfortable. Here it is: I'm sorry you're uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable too. I don't know a lot of things right now but I do know that I love you, a lot. So much that I get scared. And being scared makes me anxious, and sensitive, and hard to be around I think. So I'm sorry if I am hard to be around. I hope you understand where this is coming from. I hope you'll stay.
*Fish, Mona.
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