July 31st, 2012

On July 31st, 2012 I woke up and went to work. Last year July 31st fell on a Monday, so I would have had the night off from Lear's Follies. After work I went to Cameron and Kailyn's house, because I knew both my roommates had their boyfriends over and I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to see what I didn't (and to my mind, couldn't) have. So I stayed at my friends' place for a while and when it was time to go home, I left. But I didn't go home. I got close and I balked, so I went grocery shopping. I called my best friend and, as was par for the course last summer, started weeping while in Safeway. I have a vivid memory of standing in the juice/cheese/yogurt aisle of my local Safeway, staring at the orange juice and thinking, "I can't I can't I can't."
So I decided not to. I went home and I remember looking at my fridge, not knowing what to eat because I was starving but also so ashamed. I chose some quinoa, heated it up, and went down to my room. I ate it slowly, knowing that in the morning I was going to change my attitude toward eating for a long time. I signed up for Weight Watchers that night and sat down with a journal. I wrote for an hour and cried, trying to dispel all the mental toxins I'd accumulated that day, that summer, since I was 10 years old.
That day was a year ago yesterday.

Over the last year I've come up with a metaphor I think is very apt: I have described my mental state at the early stages of this process as being in a submarine which was prone to springing leaks. I imagined myself spread across the inside of the submarine, holding all the bolts in place, using all my physical energy to prevent the leak that would sink me. The submarine would not survive even the smallest drop of water; I could not allow myself to even think of the possibility of failure. My mind was a police state for those first few months - unified under strict and terrifying rule: "I will not go back."
It's been a year and an unimaginable amount of things have changed. I walk differently, talk differently, dress, think, eat, move, smile, shower, drive, drink, prioritize, shop, and dream differently. I am different but that mantra is still the same: "I will not go back."

There are some people who have helped me enormously in this last year. Everyone around me has been supportive and wonderful but I have to single out my mom, Mona, and Chelsea.
Chelsea was the best possible roommate to have when making a life change of this kind. She sat at the side lines and let me fight my own fights but always there when I needed to learn how to cook vegetables, or when I wanted to go on my first hike. She was the girl I showed all my new pants to, the girl who hugged me when I cried when I dropped under 200 lbs.
Mona has been the biggest cheerleader anyone could ask for. Never getting sick of receiving pictures or hearing stories, she is always ready with a "HELL YES." Since I was twelve years she has been trying to convince me that I am beautiful, and it only makes perfect sense that she has been holding my hand while I make the steps to finally believe her. She was the first person I told that I was going to do this and it's for good reason: she is the swim teacher holding her hands out to the little girl swimming for the first time - "you can do it!" she yells, with a huge grin, because she truly, firmly believes that I can.
There are really no words to describe what my mom has done for me in the past year. She'll listen to any frustration, insecurity, or mishap I have. She'll listen to me tell her when I'm proud of myself and with her, it's never bragging. She has bought me so many new clothes and so much food. She has advice and words of comfort. She is more honest with me than anyone, period. And that honesty is what keeps me grounded and keeps me going. The fact that I know I am making her proud is a charm I wear every day, and hold my head higher for it.

Yesterday was July 31st, 2013. Today is just another day where I pack my lunch, eat my vegetables, keep track of everything I eat and drink. I am so grateful for everything the last year has been - I cannot wait to see the view from July 31st, 2014.

August 2012

July 2013