Sick

I have a pretty full day tomorrow, so I should be going to bed. I'm going to write this post instead because today has been not the greatest and I think that if I can let some of this go then I will probably sleep better tonight. Because right now I feel a little sick and maybe it's physical but my bet is this is emotional sick.

I had a cast party at my house last night where, for a variety of silly and fun reasons, an actor in my cast (male) and I decided to do a drink for drink. Silly! Fun! We decided on the rules (a shot of whiskey and half a beer ever half hour for three hours) and followed them strictly. People were putting money on who they thought would last all three hours. It was competitive. Silly! Fun! And guess what? We both made it all the way through and we both got drunk. And I mean: DRUNK. We both blacked out, we both vomitted. There were no winners last night, just a pair of ridiculous losers.

I have blacked out exactly five times in my life: once in Buenos Aires, twice in college, my birthday this past June, and last night. And this will be the last time, barring some extreme circumstance. Because this morning I woke up with the buzz of a hangover and something a lot worse: shame. A friend of mine who was there talked to me for an hour this morning while I cleaned my kitchen in my underwear, filling me in on the loud, stupid, belligerent way I acted. I hit on one of my cast members in a way that made him uncomfortable. I ran off down the street and two of my friends had to go get me. I demanded things from people, I shouted. And I did all of this stupid behavior in front of my cast. The cast that is supposed to trust me, feel supported by me, and respect me.

I've fucked up and it feels awful. I've been carrying the knowledge of this around in me all day. I ate french fries for dinner, hoping that fried/greasy food would make the sick feeling go away. It didn't. It hasn't. Because I know that I have to go to the show on Saturday, look at them all, and know that the way they see me has been irrevocably changed. I'm reminded of something Claire told me during my second summer at SSC as her ASM. I mentioned how sad it was the stage managers worked so late that we always missed the post-rehearsal drinks at the bar. "I feel less bonded with the cast then I would, you know?" She smiled and said, "It's the way it's got to be. Yes, we have to work but also, we can't let loose with them, Olivia. They need to respect us, they need to take our notes and listen to us. That will be harder to do if they see us drunk every night after rehearsal." As usual, Claire was right. (Claire is always right.)

So, writing this post hasn't made me feel any better. I'm not sure much will. I've let myself down and that is a hard thing to look in the face.