Online Dating

Oh, yes. That.

I have been on a lot of dates off of OkCupid, which was something I used to be very much ashamed of. I felt like there was something really wrong with me, that I had to try and meet someone on the internet when everyone else meets all normal real-life like. (N.B. I talk about this shame like it's a total past thing, but it's not. I just downloaded the app like three weeks ago because before that I was embarrassed someone would see it.)

I made my account when I first moved here two years ago and since then I have been on a lot of dates. I think this all of them, but I honestly cannot be sure. It is in semi chronological order, though again, I don't really know. I have only ever seen two of these people twice, as marked with a *.

Daniel* - who I dated for like a month just because I could, which was not very nice of me though he was quite sweet

??? - The guy who ordered the sandwich and was too awkward to eat it

Paul - who bought me drinking chocolate because I don't like coffee and then talked over me our entire date

Eric - The guy who texted me asking if I wanted to come over and watch a movie five min after I walked away from the date and then two days later asked me to drive him to the doctor after he flicked burning cigarette ash in his own eye

Jacob

Austin - the guy who I went on one date with and then remembered my name and what theater I worked at a year later when he met someone I knew at a party

Aaron - the guy who I thought was going to kill me, twice/ who agressively kissed me on the Burnside Bridge and made me freak out thinking everyone I knew was driving past and seeing me with this guy I didn't know

Ryan - the guy who stood up and said his first three sentences to me in a Russian accent, so that I thought he was Russian, and then dropped it with no explanation

Ari - was in the Israeli army which I was sooooo excited about. A Jew! A man! Hooray! No dice.

Javier

Dan*

Revan - the guy who walked away from me, mid-sentence, when his cross walk light turned on and then texted me two days later for a second date

Of all of these guys, there have only been two that I liked. Two that I felt like I had a good date with, two I liked talking to, two I thought we genuinely connected, both of whom I kissed quite a bit afterwards, and those are the only two who did not texted me and asked for a second date. Seriously, honestly, truly. There are a dozen men listed here and the only two I liked were the same only two who didn't like me enough for a second date.

I'm ruminating on this tonight because the latter Dan has just blown me off and I'm wondering what I did wrong. Or what I'm doing right when I'm not interested. Or why I do this at all, since it is usually such a waste of time/money.

My parents met because my mom's best friend set them up. I set up my friends all the bloody time. I tend to think that everyone is happier when they're having sex and I love me some happy people, so I put everybody all together because why the fuck not. Two of my good friends have been together almost a year because of me. I played a big part in the coupling of some friends who are getting married next summer. Yay friends! Yay dating and fun! All of this is true and: I have never been sent on a date by anyone I know.

Why is that? How do I change it? Maria says I seem like I can't be set up because I already know what I want? Or something? Should I get off my computer right now and go sit in a bar for the next 40 min until it closes? (No.)

I guess I just have more questions than answers tonight. I wish that wasn't the case.