Thanksgiving

... and the first one I've spent alone. I don't mean "alone" as in without a boyfriend because God knows that in my life, a man is the exception and not the rule. What I mean is, today I woke up in an empty apartment, made breakfast for myself, washed my own dishes, walked to Safeway alone, bought myself groceries and have been sitting in my bed, alone, reading and watching Jane Eyre.
I have plans to go to one of my actress's house for Thanksgiving dinner tonight but I have oddly spent the majority of a day dedicated to being together, alone.

I was lucky enough to have a surrogate family in CT that I spent the holidays with all through college. I miss Heather, Sequoia and Seyge so very much today, in addition to my own family. I miss my parents, my sister and mostly, I am missing my grandfather.
I miss Rampah's warm flannel. I miss the way he would say "Dan-o" when he hailed his son-in-law, pulling him in for men's conversation while I ran off to see my cousins and my mom went to help her sister in the kitchen. I miss walking with him down Bamboo Terrace, kicking up piles of maple leaves. I miss the way he would smile, almost shyly, when he called me to him to give me a kiss or tell me a secret.
Today I'm wearing his Carolina sweatshirt, which doesn't smell like him anymore. I've slept with it in my bed with me since April and it doesn't carry a bit of him anymore, but I still won't wash it.

I'm grateful for all those Thanksgivings in Marin, with all ten Probsteins.
I'm grateful that I had so many that they run together.