What People Say in the Work Place

...the theater I mean, since my other work place is mostly me making baby noises at a baby.

My director: "I have things in mind - they involve a wig and a wombat..."

My stage manager was showing an actor the tape outline of the set and he said:
"Wait, what? I don't get it. Ahhh, you just tell me where to be and I'll fake it."
(SMs love to hear that.)

My director talking about how one of our actors will look when he plays a WWI Major
Director: "Blood, dirt, mud, half a German dog -"
SM (whispered): "This is Gary's crazy quick change"
Director: "This is Gary's crazy quick change? Oh. No dog then."

Re: the amount of sex in a certain scene
My director: "We're not playing hide the pickle, we're just opening the jar."

My lead, re: his portrayal of Sherlock Holmes:
"The hair of a pederast, the mind of a genius."
and
"Nothing says Christmas like a touch to the groin."

My SM: "So if you hear screaming and an ambulance just - you know - preset for tomorrow."

My director, telling an actor to scale back his drunk acting:
"Last time I saw this you were a little too loose. Loosh, really. Salvador Dali loosh."

My director: "You do something in front of me, I'll watch it and tell you what I think."

My director: "I spent the day being depressed by women."
An actor: "That's what I've been doing my whole life... " (I begin to walk away from them) "...But I love them!..." (I keep walking) "...Olivia!"

An actor, re: Halloween costumes:
"I've decided I am going to be heterosexual on the 31st. I'll just wear my jeans and a t-shirt without a belt. And with dirty underwear. And a Heineken."

My SM: "It's amazing what you DON'T spill all over your script"

Re: terrible productions of West Side Story
An actor: "It was just a bunch of white gay men pretending to be scary puerto ricans."
My director: "Sounds like a Saturday night in NW to me..."

Re: a sound cue
My director: "Those bells are great. They're really, you know, God be praised. But in a quiet, nice way."


And, finally, Maria talking to me about theater, so it's relevant:
"MAN you have the best luck with actors. I mean, I love the show I'm working on, but all I got is three black gay men telling me my jeans look good."

xoxo
okm